Life as a service dog is out of the question

Aimee managed to break her foot while sitting down. True story, she really is that talented. This means that she either hobbles around the house on crutches or rolls around in the wheelchair. This has made me realize that Tiny Dog will never be a service dog.

Why, you ask? Because:

1.    She has managed to get rolled over by the wheelchair.

2.    She stole a picture frame off the shelf and Aimee had to chase her around on crutches to get it back. Tiny Dog loved this new game.

3.    Aimee left her dinner on the coffee table and when she returned from getting a drink, Tiny had eaten half of it.

4.    Tiny is afraid of crutches which works well when you need Tiny Dog to stop bat dogging Lil Dog. Just shake the crutch at her and she runs away.

5.    Tiny Dog likes to jump on Aimee’s broken foot and try and eat her boot.

The only sign that there may be hope is that Aimee dropped something on the ground and Tiny was standing next to her when she did it. Aimee told Tiny to pick it up and give it to her and she did! Granted, she probably picked it up to chew on it, but I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

A Dog-Friendly Work Environment

I’m on the hunt for a job. I currently work remotely for a company located far, far away which means I get to spend lots of time with the dogs. Lots of time. I am looking for something local that requires me to put on real clothes and leave the house every morning.

Part of the reason I got Tiny Dog is that I AM working from home, so I can let her out during the day, meaning she doesn’t have to be crated all day and hold her 4 month old bladder for 9 hours. So as I am hunting for a job, Aimee has asked me more than once, “So when you get a real job, what are you going to do with Tiny?” Excellent question.

One of the companies I applied to is a “dog friendly” environment. Initially, I was really excited. I could potentially bring Tiny Dog to work with me! Then I thought about what a day in the office with Tiny Dog would look like. I think it would go something like this:

8:00 am – Tiny greets everyone in the office.

8:15 am  - Tiny gets committed to puppy jail in my cube.

8:16 am – Tiny tries to eat my computer wires.

8:17 am – Tiny tries to eat my chair.

8:18 am – Tiny tries to eat my purse.

8:19 am – Tiny gives up and lays down.

8:22 am – I realize that Tiny is not quiet because she is being good but instead because she is eating my shoes that I kicked-off while I work.

8:23 am – I put my shoes on top of my desk.

8:30 am – I have a meeting, so I leave Tiny in puppy jail in my cube .

9 am – I return from my meeting to discover Tiny has busted out of puppy jail, broken into someone else’s cube, eaten an entire pile of files, and peed on the floor.

9:03 am – I find TD passed out for her morning nap under someone else’s desk.

11 am – Tiny wakes up from her nap and realizes there are other dogs in the office. She bat dogs all of them.

11:05 am – I have to leave work early because Tiny has been banned from the office on her first day.

Dog-friendly or not, I don’t think Tiny would succeed in an office setting. At least not yet. Maybe when there is a little less chupacabra in her, but right now, it’s just a recipe for trouble. So what AM I going to do with Tiny when I get a real job? I guess she’ll hang out outside. There is no place she loves more than the backyard. 

A Job for Tiny Dog

I was thinking about how Tiny Dog needs a job, which led to this conversation with my friend Winnie:

Me: I wish I could teach Tiny to cook

Winnie:  You would get disgusting food every day like shoes and torn up garden plants

Me:  Flip flops 

Winnie:  Maybe a part of Presley

Me:  Ripped up toys, a tuft of hair. Yeah, I guess it's not the best idea

 Winnie:  Maybe not the best, but definitely the most entertaining.

I guess I could just let both of the dogs do the dishes. Surely they can handle the pre-washing. 

My Dog is Afraid of Her Own Shadow

Tiny is a weenie. I’m not referring to the thunder buddies post and how she likes to curl up in a ball and sleep to escape the thunder. I am talking about her inability to function like a normal dog when there are loud noises or large moving objects.

Ex 1:

The doorbell rings. Lil Dog races to the door and barks her head off. Tiny Dog jumps up, hops in a circle for a moment trying to figure out what is going on and determine the source of the noise, realizes she doesn’t know where the noise is coming from, runs to the side of the couch opposite the door and Lil Dog, puts her front two paws on the couch and cautiously peeks over the couch.

Ex 2:

We’re walking down the street and Tiny sees a car coming. She bolts to the grass and lies down.

Ex 3:

We’re on a walk and Tiny didn’t see the car coming (not sure how a car sneaks up on you, but whatever) and gets startled. She tries to wiggle out of her harness but can’t. So she sits down and nervously looks over her shoulder.

Ex 4:

Lil Dog and Tiny Dog are hanging out in the backyard. The cable man arrives for the next door neighbors. Lil Dog barks her head off. Tiny repeats her doorbell act but this time hides by the back door and peaks around the corner to see what the fuss is about.

Ex 5:

Tiny Dog is batdogging Lil Dog. How to you stop her? You get her attention by making a loud noise of your choice. She gets confused, runs away, and then runs back to you for protection.

Ex 6:

You are watching a moving with surround sound. A car chase scene comes on and Tiny Dog bolts from where she was sleeping and runs a lap around the house in sheer panic. She makes her way back to you, hops in your lap, and buries her head out of fear.

Tiny dog is not going to be a small dog and is already bigger than Lil Dog. She’ll be tall and lanky and about as coordinated as that tall kid in gym who hadn’t quite figured out how to make all of his long appendages work in sync. However, I doubt that she will ever stop hiding behind Lil Dog. At the first sign of “danger,” she darts to the nearest human or Lil Dog. If someone tried to break into the backyard, Lil Dog would go nuts while Tiny Dog raced to the intruder to seek cover from whatever threat caused Lil Dog to bark. Yeah, she’ll never be a guard dog. I guess her career as a member of the K9 SEAL team is over before it starts. 

My Dog is Not a Genius

Apparently, a handful of the breeds that make-up Tiny Dog need a job to keep them busy and stimulate them so that they stay out of trouble. In an effort to give Tiny a little more mental stimulation and wear her out, I got her a kong genius. Well, Tiny is not a genius.

My line of reasoning for the purchase was that the regular kong didn’t entertain her for more than a few minutes and it didn’t make her “work” for treats. She just licked the goo out of it and when her tongue could no longer reach, she gave up. So the genius kong seemed like a genius idea. There are slits in the side that you stuff treats into and the dog has to work to get the treats out. It really makes them think or it just frustrates them and makes them mad. Either way, I figured it would keep her busy.

I put a few treats on the inside at 8:21 pm. At 8:24 pm, she was over it. Really? She got fed up and walked away. So I tried to pull some of the treats partially out so that she could work on them and actually receive a reward. I began to understand why Tiny gave-up in frustration and abandoned the tasty treats. Holy crap, it’s hard to get the treats out. I tried to shake them out of the top, tried to squeeze my little fingers into the slits and retrieve them, but no dice. 

I gave up and put some kibble in it that was small enough to come out of the top if she figured out how to turn it upside down. This seemed to work for a while.

So as it turns out Tiny Dog is not a genius, but apparently neither am I by the Kong standards, so I can’t judge. 

The Chupacabra

It’s been a rough week. Tiny Dog is clearly not burning off enough energy, which means she turns into a holy terror. The most commonly heard phrase around the house this week has been, “Keep it up Tiny and you’ll be a Sarah MaClachlan dog again.” Obviously it’s an empty threat, which is probably part of the problem. She’s on to me.

Do you remember the cartoons that would have a character pondering what to do and a little angel would appear over one shoulder and a devil over the other? With Tiny, the devil seems to win, a lot. As in, the devil probably sold tickets to the fight and showed that angel no mercy.

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I swear this dog has multiple personalities. One minute she is sweet and lovey and snuggling with you. The next she launches herself onto to Lil Dog and hangs from her jowls. Or one minute you are petting her and the next she is biting the crap out of you. You can see it in her eyes the moment the ref calls the match and declares the devil the winner. This is when she becomes the chupacabra.

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I’m relieved that Tiny Dog will have her last round of shots on Monday. Our first stop after the vet will be the dog park. Hopefully she will burn off some energy and put the chupacabra to rest.

Anyone else have a dog that seems torn between good and evil?

Thunder Buddies for Life

Have you seen the movie Ted? No? Go see it. For those who are not cool enough to be in the know, let me introduce you to Ted and John. They’re thunder buddies for life:

WARNING: Don’t watch this in the office unless you have headphones, there are explicit lyrics.

99 out of 100 times Lil dog avoids Tiny Dog like the plague. For some reason, she does not enjoy being Tiny’s chew toy. Go figure. But 1 out of 100 times, she lets her thunder buddy for life curl up with her. You see, Lil Dog has PTTS (Post Traumatic Tree Syndrome). Last year, there was a horrible storm and possibly small tornado that knocked a huge tree onto the house. I’m told it sounded like an explosion, part of the ceiling came down, and there was water pouring in. Aimee and Lil Dog tried to escape but the back yard was flooded, the front was blocked by the tree, and wind was blowing so hard they could hardly move. They sought refuge in the utility room and dialed 911. Needless to say, Lil Dog has some unresolved issues with big thunder storms; she panics and tries to herd everyone out of the house.

Tiny on the other hand, has no excuse. She is just a weenie. Unfortunately, the two pups do not have an awesome thunder buddies for life song. Instead, they just lay there and look cute.